The runaway
by pamy
Summary: She doesn't return to school. A week after Shelly Pomroy's party she gets into her car and drives away. Sort of AU. Veronica Mars. Pre-season 1.
1. Chapter 1

**Story that jumped to mind. Sort of AU. But not completely. The timing of the rape is based on her comment to Parker in season 3. Shelly Pomroy end of year party 2004. Why? Because it's the one I remember more clearly. I always thougth it had been at the end of the school year anyway. **

**Don't own Veronica Mars. Please read and review. **

* * *

She doesn't return to school.

After the party. After having her innocence stolen from her. She doesn't return to school. There's only a week left anyway. What does it matter. On Saturday she feels dirty. Guilty. She's sure everyone can sees what happened to her by looking at her.

She spends almost the entire day in the shower.

If her dad noticed he didn't say a word. He spend most of the day working anyway. On Sunday she goes to church. She hasn't been inside a church since her best friend died. But she goes that day. She goes because she needs forgiveness.

The priest tells her it's not her fault. She doesn't believe him.

* * *

On Monday she goes to Lilly.

She leaves the house just like every morning. She's sure her father thinks she went to school. Or he knows she didn't. It doesn't matter. He says nothing. She goes to Lilly because she needs her best friend. She needs somebody to listen to her.

Even if she's just talking to a stone.

She wants to believe that somehow Lilly can hear her. She wants to believe she's all alone. She stays there until school is out. Then she goes back home. She cooks her father diner and showers yet again. For once she really doesn't care about the cold water. Her father still doesn't say anything. He either doesn't notice her strange behavior. Or he thinks she'll open up eventually.

The only one she wants to talk to is dead. The others don't care.

She's alone.

* * *

On Tuesday she stays home.

Her father tells her in the morning he'll be out all day. And so she stays home. She doesn't have the strength to get out of bed. No strength to fight anymore. She doesn't even really care if her father finds out. It's not like it truly matters. The exams are over. The year is almost at an end.

The worst year of her life.

She spends the rest of the day cleaning out her closet. Cleaning her room. Going trough pictures and clothes. Clothes of a happier innocent person. A person that had not been attacked. A person that had not been destroyed. Pictures of a happier time. A picture of the four of them makes her cry.

She doesn't know if Duncan and Logan have noticed that she is not at school.

She's sure they don't care.

* * *

On Wednesday she almost goes to school.

Almost being the keyword. She gets up. Gets dressed. Eats breakfast with her father. Wishes him a good day. Gets in a car and drives to school. She stops about a block away. She can't do it. Can't go to that school. Can't walk trough those hallways knowing he is there.

Knowing he is watching her.

She turns the car around and drives away. She ends up on the beach. She knows that if her father walks by he'll see her. She doesn't care. She sits there staring at the ocean for a long time. She doesn't move. She doesn't say anything to anyone. She just sits there.

It's almost like she isn't really there. She's a ghost of the girl she once was.

A girl no one will remember.

* * *

On Thursday she returns to Lilly.

She wants to be close to her best friend. She only stays there for the morning. During lunch she gets a surprise visitor. Suddenly Jake Kane is there. It's the first time they stand face to face since that fateful night. They have seen each other. But they haven't talked.

He has lost his daughter. She has lost her live.

He offers to buy her lunch. At first she wants to say no. She almost sees it as a betrayal. Towards her father. But she is hungry. And sitting here for the rest of the day can't be healthy. She ends up going to lunch with him. She is sure it is the most uncomfortable lunch ever. Jake is nice though. He offers her help. Tells her to call him if she needs him.

She doesn't know why. She tells him she will. She walks away.

This is not how she expected her life would turn out.

* * *

On Friday she returns to school.

But only because it's the last day. And she has to get her stuff. She has to pick up her rapport card. She's so sure she failed. She didn't. She passed. She thinks that most teacher probably let them pass out of pity. Because of all they have been trough. Veronica, Logan and Duncan.

She doesn't see them till lunch.

Logan looks her in the eye for the first time since Lilly died. It's almost as if he's looking for someone. You don't stay there to find out what he wants. You run. You're sure that one comment will be enough to break you. You see Duncan on your way inside. In his eyes you see pity. Pity and love and guilt.

You don't understand why he feels those things. Sometimes you think you should have asked.

You don't.

* * *

Saturday passes in a blur.

You can't remember what happened. Nor what you did that day. If you ran into Logan or Duncan you can't remember. You don't know what you talked about. You just went trough that day. You can't remember anything anymore.

You just want to die. Your strength have finally left you.

* * *

On Sunday you realize you can't do this.

You can't stay here. You can't breath here. You can't live here. You pack a bag. In it you put clothes. And some stuff that you have to take with you. Stuff you can't leave behind. You write a note to your father. You leave your cell phone behind. You tell him not to worry. You ask him not to look for you. You promise you will come back.

Your' not sure you'll be able to keep that promise.

* * *

You get in your car and drive away. You stop at the graveyard. You visit her grave one more time. Then you walk away. You know that wherever you go Lilly will go with you. You drive out of town without looking back. You don't know if you'll ever return.

_You are now leaving Neptune. Thank you for your visit. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the reviews. Hope you'll like this chapter 2.**

* * *

She's full of doubt.

The first three hours of her journey she's filled with doubt. Doubt about leaving. Not because she had so many friends left. No. Because she didn't want to leave her dad alone. But she knew she couldn't live in Neptune anymore. And her father was not going to leave.

She promises herself she will call him.

She turns her car around a dozen times in those first three hours. But she never truly returns. She can't do it. She can't go back. Not now. She needs time. Time to live. Time to come to terms with what has happened to her. She needs to find herself again. And she can't do that in Neptune.

She promised her father she would return some day.

She doesn't know if she lied.

* * *

The first night is the worst.

She sleeps in her car. She hadn't made a clear plan. She had no idea where she was going. Nor did she really have somewhere she wanted to go. She just needed to get away. It had seemed alright when there was still light. The problems didn't come until it became dark.

She had no plan. She had no idea where she was.

She hadn't found a motel. So she decided to spend the night in her car. She promised herself she would get a roadmap tomorrow. And she would get some money out of the banc. She wouldn't make this mistake twice. She's sure she didn't sleep that night. It was cold. And truthfully she was extremely scared.

She almost returned on that first night.

* * *

She's glad when the sun finally rises.

She was about ready to find a phone and call her dad. To come and get her. The sun came up just in time. She was never sleeping in her car again. She's not sure she's strong enough for this. She wasn't made to drive around the country on her own. Sure she did it with her friends once. But she was all alone now.

All alone. With no idea where she was. Or where she was going.

She wouldn't make the same mistake twice. At the first gas station she buys a map and some food. She discovers on the map where she is. She should decide where she was going. Or at least where she wanted to end up. That way she would be able to make up a plan. Her eyes wander over the map. And land on Miami.

She and Lilly had always wanted to go there. For the sun. For the beach. For the boys.

That's where she'd go now.

* * *

She's calmer now.

Now that she has a plan. Now that she at least knows where she wants to end up. She's calmer. Finally she began to pay attention to the world around her. It's beautiful. It's calm. There are not many people out. A quick look at your clock tells you that the time might have something to do with that. Still you feel free.

It's like a weight is falling of your shoulders.

With each passing minute the space between her and Neptune gets bigger. And slowly she begins to live again. Find herself again. She turns on the radio. And hopes against hope she won't hear a song she knows. She doesn't want to be reminded of the friends she once had. Of the live she once lived.

It takes her a while to realize that she's singing a loud.

For the first time she feels truly alive.

* * *

Days pass.

Three to be exact. It's Friday when she begins to contemplate to call home. She's been putting it of. Not because she doesn't want to talk to her dad. But because she's afraid. Afraid that her father will convince her to come home. Afraid that he will find a way to track her. But she's sure he's worried. She doesn't want him to be worried when she's happier than she's been in this year.

She tries to call him that night. She doesn't.

She actually did dial the number. But she hung up before she heard his voice. She wants to let him know she's alright. But she's not ready to talk to him. Instead she finds herself dialing an all to familiar number. A number set in her mind. A year has passed since she last dialed it. She didn't dial it very often. But it was just a number her father had wanted her to know. Just in case she ever needed help and couldn't find him.

She finds herself calling Jake Kane.

* * *

He picks up at the third ring.

At first she's silent. She's not sure what she's going to say. What she wants him to do for her. He is impatient. He doesn't know it's her after all. She's calling from a pay phone. Eventually she whispers his name. Jake Kane asks her if she's alright. Tells her that Keith is worried about her. That he called them a couple of times trying to find out if they knew where she was.

She doesn't tell him where she is. She does tell him everything else.

He listens to her while she tells him that she's alright. That she doesn't want anybody to look for her. That she needs to do this for herself. She tells him that she can't talk to her dad. But she knows that he's worried. And she wants him to calm down. She asks him to tell her father she's alright. Jake tries to convince her to come back. But she can't. Eventually he gives up. He must have realized that she wouldn't relent. He tells her to call him if she needs anything.

He promises to call her dad. She thanks him.

She hangs up before he can say anything else.

* * *

She suddenly feels tired.

She wants to rest. She decides she's spending the entire weekend in the first town she hits. She arrives at a small town. Smaller than Neptune even. She finds a place to stay at a small inn. The town is beautiful. Funny. She's sure nothing big has ever happened there. And she's glad for it. She wishes she could stay.

She could stay if she wanted to. But it's still to close.

To close to Neptune. To close to the pain. She meets some very nice people there. Everybody wants to know why such a sweet girl is traveling alone. She tells them she's just traveling for the summer. She doesn't tell them where she's from. They never ask. She does tell them her name. At first she thinks about lying. Giving them a fake name. She decides not to. By Sunday she feels a lot better.

She drives out of town with a smile on her face. After a year of torment.

She has discovered there are still kind people in the world.

* * *

The happiness lasts three hours.

That's when she gets into trouble. A flat tire. She sighs as she leans against the car. It's not her first flat tire this year. For some reason the 09'rs thought it was extremely funny. She had had a flat tire at least once a week. This time however there were two problems. The biggest probably was that she had not spare tire. She had already used it. In fact her flat tire was her spare tire.

The other problem is that she's alone. In the middle of nowhere.

She thinks about walking. But since she's not entirely sure how far the living world is, that might be a really bad idea. The thought of calling someone is dismissed quickly as well. After all she had left her cell phone in Neptune. Now she whishes she had taken the phone with her. She decides to wait. At some point somebody has to pass by, she reasons.

There are good people in the world she reminds herself. Somebody will stop.

Hopefully it won't be a mad man.

* * *

Hours pass.

Nobody passes the first hour. Veronica begins to realize that she probably should have chosen a different road. To late now. She listens to the radio. She reads a book she took with her. Eventually she thinks that maybe walking wouldn't be such a bad idea. Still she decides to wait just a while longer.

The second hour two cars pass.

The first one is filled with boys. The car doesn't stop. It doesn't even slow down. She doesn't even see who's in the second car. That one passes by so fast she's not even sure about the color. She sighs. Three more hours pass. Five cars fly past her. She wonders where all those good Samaritans have gone. She wonders if they'll feel guilty tonight. Thinking of the young girl they left sitting at the side of the road. The night begins to fall. She's thinking she should have walked but now it's to late.

The memory of that first night comes up again. She's afraid she'll have to sleep in her car again.

Finally a car stops.

* * *

It turns out to be a teenager.

About her age. He looks nice. He doesn't look like he's a mad man. Doesn't look dangerous either. Still she holds her bag close to her. Her taser is inside. If he even tries anything he'll regret it. She might look innocent. But her innocence has been stolen. And she's all to aware that anything can happen to anybody at anytime. Lilly was the prove of that.

He's not crazy. He's not dangerous. He's nice.

He smiles as she explains her problem. The conversation between them is easy. Funny. It's almost as if they have known each other for years. He changes her tire with no problems. She ends up asking him how far the next town is. And where the next motel is. He offers her a room at his house. He tells her his mother rents a room in their house. The room (as far as he knows) is empty know. She only hesitates a while.

He's nice. He doesn't look dangerous. And she'll be in her own car. If she finds that he brings her somewhere she doesn't want to go she can always drive away. She accepts his offer. Hopefully she won't live to regret it.

She follows him to his home.

* * *

He stops in front of a small house.

When you get out of the car you realize you know nothing about him. He starts to look for his keys when you ask him for his name. He looks up startled. As if he's to just realized they know nothing of each other. _'Wallace.'_ He says when he finds his voice again. He looks at you expectantly. You're silent for a couple of seconds. You don't know whether you should tell him the truth or lie. You decide to tell him the truth. _'Veronica.'_ You answer. He smiles.

You think you might have found a friend.

* * *

His mother is a very nice women. Once Wallace explains who you are she starts fussing over you. Veronica thinks that it's probably her age that's got her so worried. She asks a dozen questions. From where she's from. To if her parents know where she is. She doesn't lie to this women either. She doesn't tell them where she's from. She does answer everything else. She doesn't give much details though. Alicia (as the women is called) brings her to her room. It's not a big room but it's good enough.

Alicia tells her she can use the phone. She tells you goodnight.

She realizes that that is what she's looking for. Kindness.

She feels happy.

* * *

It's been a week.

A week since she got into her car. A week since she drove away from Neptune. Nothing much has happened. She's still not sure where she's truly going. But she feels alright. She's finally starting to deal with the pain. She can finally breath again. It's been a week since she left her dad. And she knows that now she is strong enough. Strong enough to be able to talk to her dad without wanting to turn around.

She dials the number. He picks up midway the first ring.

He knows who it is without asking. She is sure she has never heard somebody sound so relieved. He's not really worried. He tells her that Jake called him. Still Veronica realizes she really needed to hear his voice. He asks her if she's alright. She tells him she is. He asks her to come home. But she's not ready. And she hears in his voice that he knows this to.

She tells him she loves him. He makes her promise to call him as much as possible.

It's a promise you'll keep.

* * *

**I decided to include Wallace in this story because he's one of my favorite characters. After Lilly/Veronica friendship the Veronica/wallace friendship is my favorite. Hope you like it. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Most of the story will be from Veronica's POV. Sometimes however I will include other people's POV. Thanks for the reviews. (_HollaBackGurl989, There will be more interaction between Jake and Veronica but not in this chapter. In later chapters. I've began to like Jake Kane lately. I think he just suffered so much. The idea of extending a helphing hand to Veronica just called out to me.)_**

**Hope you like it. **

* * *

Keith knows.

He knows it the second he opens the door. It's to quiet. Veronica is always home. She only leaves the house for school and to walk Back-up. The house is quiet. To quiet. And he knows. He knows she's gone. Back-up is lying next to the couch. Staring at him. It's almost as if he knows that Veronica isn't coming home. As if he understands.

He reads the letter in silence. He's not really surprised.

He's not blind. He's seen how much Veronica has suffered. It was expected. She had loved Lilly so much. He wished Veronica had stayed in the car just like he told her to. He wished she's never seen her best friend lying there. He wishes he'd never seen that. She had nightmares about it for weeks. He remembers sitting by her side for hours. Trying to calm her down.

He'd made the mistake of accusing Kane. Then the tapes got out.

His daughter paid the price.

* * *

Jake doesn't tell Duncan.

He doesn't tell him that Veronica ran away. He doesn't see the point. He knows it will only bring him pain. He might find out at some point. But there's no need for him to suffer now. It's not like there's much he can do. He's worried. This is the girl that could be his daughter. She had spend days at his house. She was the best friend of your daughter. He is worried about her.

He's been worried since the lunch they had last week.

She looked broken. Distant. He remembers the beautiful innocent, happy girl that spend so much time at his house. He couldn't believe that the girl sitting in front of him was the same girl. She had died along with Lilly. And he couldn't save her. When she calls him he's shocked. Still he listens to what she tells him. He promises her he will call Keith. Makes her promise to call him if she needs anything. Anything at all. He wants to protect her.

She might be his daughter. She was his daughter's best friend.

He'll help her.

* * *

The first night she dreams of Lilly.

It's not the first time. She dreams about Lilly all the time. Mostly it's a nightmare. Of a smiling Lilly. Of Abel Koontz standing over her body. She dreams of golden hair and red blood. She dreams of Lilly walking away without saying goodbye. The dreams haunted her for months. She barely slept at all. She didn't want to close her eyes. She didn't want to dream.

It's different tonight. She doesn't dream of the end.

She dreams of the road. The road she's traveled since she left Neptune. She dreams of the first night. But instead of being alone Lilly is by her side. They laugh and joke as they drive trough the firs time. She dreams of the car breaking down. She dreams of Lilly making jokes. A car passes by and stops. She turns to the car. But when Veronica turns around Lilly is gone. She's alone.

Veronica wakes up at that point. Tears shine in her eyes.

Lilly is not coming back.

* * *

She can't forget the dream.

All during breakfast. She can't forget it. She wonders if perhaps somehow Lilly is with her. By her side. Acting like her guardian angel. She tries to shake of the feeling. Alicia asks her more question. But she doesn't give much details. She knows that Alicia is worried about her. She asks again if her parents know where she is.

Veronica tells her she talked to her dad last night.

Alicia seems to calm down at that knowledge. Realizing Veronica will not tell her much she stops asking questions. Instead she begins asking if she knows what she's doing today. How long she is staying. Veronica doesn't know how to answer. She hadn't made any plans. Her first instinct is to tell Alicia she was planning on going today. But when she looks in the woman's eyes she can't.

She's been looking for kindness and acceptance for a year.

She tells her she's staying. She doesn't know for how long.

* * *

Wallace offers to show you around.

For a second Veronica wonders why he isn't going to school. Then it downs on her that school has ended. Summer holidays are here. There's nothing else to do. It's why it was so simple for her to get away. Nothing holding her to Neptune. Nothing she needed to do. She accepts easily.

Wallace is kind. Free spirited. Happy.

She hasn't been around somebody happy since Lilly died. Everybody was in pain. After the tapes had gotten out she had only seen angry faces. Happiness had faded from her live. She can't even remember the last time she smiled. Truly smiled. Wallace is easy to talk to. He's not guided by prejudice. He knows nothing about you. He doesn't know a thing about your life.

He doesn't know what you've suffered. So he doesn't hide who he is.

She knows she's found a friend.

* * *

He doesn't ask her anything.

Not where's she from. He doesn't want to know the reason she's traveling. It makes it easier to talk to him. He doesn't need to know. He doesn't ask. Maybe it's because he knows she doesn't want to talk about it. Instead he talks about the town they're in. He tells her about his little brother. They talk about unimportant things. Things that will never matter.

It's the easiest conversations she's had in over a year.

When he asks her if she wants to help him babysit his brother; she doesn't hesitate. She goes with him. She realizes that this is what she needed. This is what she needs to find herself again. Kindness. Happiness. Normal. No pain. Of course she is aware that the pain won't just go away. That she'll always be in pain. That she can't be normal because she's broken. That her innocence is gone. But he doesn't know that. He just treats her like a normal person.

She begins to believe the priest might have been right. Maybe.

Just maybe this really wasn't her fault.

* * *

Wallace doesn't know what to think about her.

She seems nice. To nice even. To nice to be traveling around the country alone. To young. His mom seems to agree with him. She asked him last night, after Veronica had gone to sleep, what he knew about her. He knew nothing about her. The reason he had offered her the room was just that. She seemed to innocent to be alone at a motel. She seemed in need of help.

He offers to show her the town. He likes her.

She's nice. Easy to talk to. It almost seems as if he's known her forever. He's sure he's seen her somewhere before. But he doesn't know where. It doesn't matter either. His mother tries to get her to talk. She's reluctant to do so. It's the reason why he doesn't ask her anything. He hopes that she will open up with time. He walks her around town. He makes jokes. She smiles at him.

It's almost as if she's forgotten how to do it. She always has a sad look in her eyes.

He wishes he understood.

* * *

Three days pass.

Three days she spends in happiness. Slowly, very slowly she began to find herself again. The happy Ronnie, the one who had disappeared months ago, began to emerge. Wallace brings out the part of her she was sure had died with Lilly. And Alicia shows her that there are mothers out there who care. On the third day she opens up for the first time.

Alicia asks her again about her parents. She tells her about her mother.

She doesn't go in much details. But Alicia begins to understands why this girl might run away. Because she doesn't believe she's simply traveling. The talks with her father are to evasive. Her answers to your questions are to evasive. Still she doesn't ask questions. She offers her help and guidance. Alicia doesn't understand much about this girl.

But she does know what she sees. She sees a sad lost girl.

She vows to help her.

* * *

She calls her father on Saturday.

She knows she should have called him sooner. She promised to call him frequently. But she couldn't call him. Couldn't break the spell. She was afraid that as soon as she'd call him she would be presented with the truth. With reality. The feeling of calm and happiness that came from the Fennel's would disappear.

She calls him anyway. She needs to hear his voice.

She was right to call him. She can hear the worry in his voice. She can understand that he is. He doesn't know where she is. She promised him she would return. But she can hear in his voice that he doesn't believe that. He doesn't believe she's coming back. She wishes she could assure him she is. But she still doesn't know if she ever will. She's found calm. She's trying to find herself. But she doesn't know if she'll ever be strong enough to go back home.

She tells him she loves him. She promises to call again. She hangs up.

She was right.

* * *

Grieve doesn't disappear.

It has a way of sneaking up on you. When you least expect it to. When you least want it to. It suddenly hits you. Veronica had been right. Calling her father would break the dam. It would destroy the wall she had managed to build around her pain. It made her face it all. She dreams about Lilly again that night. It's not like her first dream. It's a nightmare.

_Blood. Screams. Abel Koontz. Blond long hair. Blood. White dresses. Lamb laughs. _

She wakes up screaming. The door of the room opens and Alicia runs in. Veronica realizes she's gasping for air. Crying. Alicia tries to calm her down. She doesn't succeed. Of course she doesn't understand. They don't know. Wallace tries to calm her down as well. Eventually she does calm down. Neither one of them asks her what happened. They must see that she won't answer.

The pain managed to find a way in. Lilly is back in her live.

It will never go away.

* * *

Wallace really liked her.

She was easy to talk to. She didn't open up very easily though. But she gave out advice. She made him laugh. Sometimes he found her staring in the distance. Tears in her eyes. He doesn't know where all the pain comes from. But he tries to make her forget whatever it is. Something tells him that perhaps he doesn't want to know. That perhaps she has just lost someone.

He can still remember how he felt when his father died.

It's the nightmares that shakes him. He has never seen anyone so vulnerable. So broken. Whatever it is that happened to her it must have been awful. He wants to help her. But he doesn't know how. He doesn't know what happened to her. He vows to himself he will make her laugh the next day. He will try to make her forget; even if it's just for a while; whatever it is that haunts her at night. He has found a friend in her.

He wants to help her carry her weight. She doesn't want to share.

He wants to be her friend.

* * *

The dream destroys it.

It destroys the image she has build. She's not strong. She's not sure she can travel further. She thinks about staying. But still something tells her that this is to close to Neptune. That she needs to get further away. But something stops her from leaving. She doesn't know if it's the image of the happy family. Or the kindness and acceptance coming from Wallace.

They walk around the town. Two laughing teenage girls pass them.

She's reminded of the time she and Lilly walked around like that. Without worries. Full of live. She watches the two girls with tears in her eyes. Wallace looks at her. Dozen of questions shine in his eyes. She almost tells him. Right there and then. She almost tells him about Lilly. She almost tells him of the best friend who was home at the wrong time. She almost opens her mouth.

Almost. But she can't do it. She can't face it. She can't make him face it.

She's not ready.

* * *

On Sunday she decides it's time.

It's time to move on. Time to travel on. She whishes she could stay here forever. But she knows she can't. She has to go on. Find herself again. Stand on her own feet. She tells Alicia she's leaving on Monday. She thanks her for her hospitality. Alicia and Wallace both try to convince her to stay. She tells them she can't. She knows where she's going. And she has to get there.

They realize it's a lost cause.

Veronica spends the day laughing with Wallace. She feels happy. At peace. A part of her doesn't want to leave it behind. But the other part know she has to go. She has to go to find herself. Perhaps someday she will return. She doesn't know if she will return to Neptune. But she thinks she might return here. Here she could be happy. Someday. Maybe. The idea of being away from Neptune but close to her father appeals to her. But she hasn't decided anything.

She needs to go. She needs to be free. She needs to get to Miami.

She doesn't even know why.

* * *

She needs a cell phone.

It's the first thing she realizes on Monday morning. She needs a cell phone. She needs a way to communicate with the outside world. The thought of being stuck again somewhere horrifies her. She knows there are kind people in the world. But she's also aware of the evil in the world. So she needs a cell phone. Before she goes anyway. Before she does anything.

Wallace helps her find a cheap phone.

Alicia tries to convince her to stay behind. She simply shakes her head. Wallace tells her to at least leave her number. So they can contact her. Veronica does this happily. She had already decided she would do this. They insist she has their number as well. In case she ever needs something. Veronica realizes that she has found the true image of a happy family. She had thought she knew happy families. But she had been wrong. This is the true image.

She still leaves it behind. She tells them goodbye and she drives away.

She'll come back. She knows it.


	4. Chapter 4

It's a long road.

And it's all hers. There's nobody she has to listen to. Nobody she has to think of. Nobody she has to remember. Nobody she has to think of. Nobody to take into consideration. For the first time in her live she can do what she wants. She doesn't need to think of her father. Doesn't need to think of her friends. Doesn't need to do what others want her to do. Doesn't need to think of anyone but herself.

It's a great feeling.

For the first time she can do what she wants. She can sing out loud if she wants to. She can cry if she wants to. She can eat what she wants. Sleep when she wants. She can live the way she wants to live. She can be who she always wanted to be. Nobody to hold her back. Finally free of all the burdens. Finally free of everything but the memories. And the pain.

Still as she looks at the long road before her, she can't help but smile.

She's happy.

* * *

She stops at a small diner.

She's hungry. She knows she should have eaten before. But she didn't want to stop at just any diner. Despite being free she had to be careful. She had seen with Lilly what could happen if you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. And she had seen with herself that she couldn't trust anyone. Not even the people that had once been her friends. She pushes the thoughts of that party _– she feels dirty, violated- _to the back of her mind.

She orders some eggs. The diner is quiet.

The lady behind the counter is friendly. Veronica is sure she has worked here her entire life. She has probably never been outside this town. One look at her and Veronica knows she doesn't need it. She's happy. She radiates happiness. She smiles and Veronica can't help but smile back. It seems that the further away from Neptune she gets the easier it is to be happy. The more she can be herself again.

She should have left sooner.

* * *

The women introduces herself as Katie.

Veronica doesn't know why. She has seen it in movies. People always talk in diners. Perhaps it's the knowledge that they don't know who you are. They don't know if you tell them the truth. And they don't care. You're just a passing costumer. You're nothing more than a part of their day. They'll forget you as soon as you walk trough the door. Maybe that's why people open up more easily.

There's no need to hold back. Because they don't care.

She tells Katie her name without hesitation. She tells her that she has lost her friends. And is out looking for herself. That she feels that she has lost something important. And she needs to find it. Katie tells her that everybody feels like that sometime in their life. That it's good to get out and search for it. Just remember, she says, that home is always waiting there for you honey. An hour later Veronica pays for her food.

'_Do you know where you're going?' 'No.' _Veronica answers truthfully.

'_Than how will you know if you get there?' _

'_That's a good question. Have a nice day.'_

* * *

It's three days later.

Three days and a number of towns. She didn't count them. It wasn't important. She hardly stopped in any of them. Just to eat and sleep. She keeps driving but she knows something is wrong. She doesn't know what it is. But something is wrong. With her. At first she's afraid. Afraid it might be that something happened to her father. She called him.

He was glad to hear her voice. He told her he was alright.

She doesn't make it to the next town. She has to stop the car and run out. She feels sick. Everything she has eaten comes back out. She sits down next to the car. Resting her head against it. She takes deep breaths. Trying to make herself feel better. She feels dizzy. She doesn't know what's wrong. It takes a while before she feels well enough to get up. She gets behind the wheel and slowly starts to drive.

She'll stop at the next town. And search for a hospital.

* * *

The next town is three hours away.

By then the dizziness has faded a little. So has the stomach pain. Still she sets out to find a hospital. She needs to see a doctor. She doesn't want to find herself stranded in the middle of nowhere. And sick on top of that. She hopes there's a free clinic in this town. She doesn't have enough money to go to a normal one. She has money. Just not a lot. She wonders if the help Jake offered her included loaning her some money if she would end up truly needing it.

Luck seems to be on her side. There's a free clinic.

She parks her car. She checks five times to see if the car is parked correctly. She can't afford a ticket. Or worse to lose the car. She makes sure the car is locked. She doesn't want it stolen either. She takes her bag with her just in case. She makes it just trough the door. That's when she throws up again. A nurse is by her side instantly. Nobody says anything about the vomit on the floor. She guesses it's not the first time.

Veronica is brought to an exam room. She's sure to feel better soon.

* * *

First it's a male doctor.

She thinks it will be alright. She has no problem with it. Until he wants to do a physical. To check if she's alright. She knows he's doing his job. She knows he won't hurt her. She still refuses. The doctor looks at her questionably. Veronica is sure nobody has ever come to a hospital and refused to be threaded. Their eyes meet and he must have seen something in hers because he immediately softens.

He asks her if she would prefer a female doctor.

She's happy she didn't have to say it out loud. She feels dirty. Guilty. They know. They all know why she doesn't want a male doctor. They know what happened to her. She's never felt so sick. So violated. She wants to run. But she knows she can't. The female doctor is kind and understanding. She asks questions. Questions that are not answered. It's to late. This happened weeks ago. Nobody can help you anymore. You'll never go to the police.

She did go. The sheriff laughed with her.

* * *

She has Chlamydia.

When the doctor tells her she stops breathing. She knows what it is of course. She just never expected to have it. She's never had sex. She's innocent. A virgin. Tears shine in her eyes as she realizes the harsh truth. She was raped. Somebody violated her. Somebody took away her innocence. Somebody destroyed her. And gave her an illness as well.

That she could have still dealt with.

The next part was worse. Pregnant. She was pregnant. She was sixteen years old. On the road. In the middle of nowhere. She was all alone. Her best friend was dead. Her mother had abandoned her. All of her friends had turned their backs on her. She abandoned her father. One of her so called friends raped her. And now she is pregnant.

She thinks she might be sick again.

* * *

The doctor gives her medicine for the Chlamydia.

He tells her she should return. She tells him she can't. She's traveling she explains. She has to get somewhere at a specific time. He relents and tells her what to do. He gives her a letter to give to the doctor in the next hospital. He tells her she should go. He asks her how old she is. She lies. She tells him she's eighteen. He doesn't ask more questions.

He gives you information about the pregnancy.

Veronica only notices when she leaves that the female doctor disappeared. Maybe they had just switched while she was being checked out. It's not like it matters. Not at all. Veronica feels dirty. She stops at the first sign of a motel. She rushes upstairs and stalks in the shower. There she stays for hours. Violated. Hurt. Betrayed. Pregnant.

She sinks down. She pulls her knees against her chest. She places her head between her legs.

And she sobs.

* * *

Jake goes in his daughter's room.

He hasn't set foot in here since his daughter died. But tonight he felt he had to. He had lost her. He had loved her so much. He had tried to protect her. But he had failed. She was taken away from him. It's not his son's fault. He knows that. Duncan needed to be protected. No matter the consequences. How the town reacted was not his fault. Not his fault at all.

He's not the blame for their actions. He's not to blame for their pain.

He sits down on the bed. The bed on which his daughter should be sleeping. But she is not. Nor will she be ever again. His eyes wander to the bedside table. There are three pictures on it. The first is of Lilly and Veronica. He feels a pang of guilt as he looks at the two happy girls. He hasn't seen Veronica smile since that night. It's not his fault. He had to protect Duncan. It needed to be done. The next picture is perhaps the worst to look at. Veronica and Duncan. So happy. So in love. So perfect together. Destroyed because he wasn't strong enough. He had Leanne. He loved Leanne. Duncan and Veronica had paid for it.

He puts the pictures down and walks out of the room. He can't handle it.

He runs away from what he's done.

* * *

Veronica calls her father.

She calls him to tell him she's alright. She calls to see how everybody else is doing. She calls him just to hear his voice. She needs to hear it. It's what makes her calm down. She doesn't tell him what's going on. He doesn't need that. He'd kill every boy just to get the right one. Her father should be free of this burden. She hangs up and stares at the phone.

She doesn't know if she should.

She dials Wallace. But he's out. She leaves a message. Telling him she's just checking in. That she's alright. She hangs up. She dials another number. It rings twice before somebody picks up. _'Duncan Kane.'_ She's silent. She doesn't know why she called. Nor does she have anything to say. She just need to hear his voice. He doesn't say anything either. She doesn't know if he knows who it is but he's silent. There are so many things she wants to say.

She doesn't. She hangs up before she can say a word.

* * *

She calls Jake Kane in the morning.

He picks up immediately. Veronica assures him everything is alright. Even though it's not. Jake offers him her help again. She doesn't know why he offers it really. It's not like he was so keen to help her months ago. When she needed it. When she still might have been saved. Had he stepped in she wouldn't have needed to run. Her father was only doing his job after all. It was not his fault.

She doesn't tell him this. She asks him if he could loan her some money.

He tells her of course. Immediately. He asks how much. She tells him. It's not much. She knows that he will never miss it. He's a billionaire after all. She doesn't need a lot of money. It's just in case. In case something happens. She needs a back-up. Just in case. Veronica doesn't tell him of her problems. She tells him where to send the money to. She thanks him and hangs up.

She doesn't know if he does it because he really cares or because he feels guilty.

She finds she doesn't care either way.

* * *

She lies down and stares at the ceiling.

She doesn't know what to do. She doesn't know how to deal with this. Being raped was bad enough. She barely made it trough that. The laughter of the sheriff still rings in her ears. But she doesn't know what she'll do now. If she's pregnant. If she keeps the baby. She'll never return to Neptune. Her rapist will laugh at her misfortune. She can already hear Logan's remark. She doesn't know what to do. She feels dirty. Guilty. This is her own fault. She shouldn't have gone to that party.

She never thinks about terminating the pregnancy.

It's not the baby's fault. That is the only thing she's sure of. It's the innocent in all this. Not for the first time in the year she wishes for Lilly. She knows she can't return. But for the first time she truly needs her best friend. She needs her advice. Her support. She needs to be the person she was before she lost her. Care free. And innocent.

She falls asleep eventually. _She dreams of white dresses and laughing sheriff's._

* * *

She drives off the next day.

The long road stretches out in front of her. But she's not happy anymore. She's in pain. She's dirty. She has been betrayed. By the people she trusted. She doesn't turn on the radio. Doesn't want to hear the songs that will make her remember. Instead she stares at the open road.

She still doesn't know what she'll do.

How she'll deal with this. She knows she probably can't. The happiness has faded away. Tears shine in her eyes.

She's not free.


	5. Chapter 5

Veronica keeps driving.

She tries not to think of the world she leaves behind. Tries not to think of the life she once lived. The person she once was. The person that was now dead. Sweet and innocent. She had loved them all. All of her friends. And her father. Who were they to think they stood higher? How dare they think she had to choice? How dare they think they should be loved more than her father?

A choice. Everybody always talked about a choice.

But no one had ever asked. Duncan had been to far gone to really care. Logan had just reacted angrily. And trough it all none of them noticed. None of them saw that she to was angry. That she to didn't believe Jake had murdered Lilly. None of them ever asked. They never asked her to choose. Logan talked of her choosing her father. But he had never asked her. He had never presented her with the choice. He had never seen how much she loved him. How much she loved Lilly.

The truth is if he had asked (at that precise moment) she would have chosen him.

And now it's to late.

* * *

Ronnie didn't hate.

The girl she once was didn't hate anybody. She forgave in an instance. The truth is she would have forgiven them. All of them. She would have forgiven Logan. Before the party. Before they destroyed her. She would have forgiven him. It would have taken time. But she would have done it. Now she was sure she could never forgive him.

But she didn't hate him. Not any of them.

She didn't hate Logan despite everything he had done. She couldn't hate Duncan despite how he had dumped her. Couldn't hate the 09'rs, they only followed the lead after all. Couldn't hate Neptune. She thought she'd never hate anybody. Then came Abel Koontz. He killed Lilly. And with one blow destroyed her life as well. She hates whoever raped her. She hates the Sherriff. The good sheriff. Who was supposed to help her. Instead he laughed at the broken little girl.

Ronnie didn't hate. Veronica wishes she could go back to that time.

Now she does feel hate.

* * *

Veronica loved her life.

She loved Lilly. More than she will probably love anybody. Lilly was her best friend. Her sister. In so many ways. Lilly had loved her as well. Lilly would have never turned her back on her. She knew this. She had loved Duncan. So much. He had been her friend before. But she loved him. She couldn't understand what had happened there. She had loved Logan. She had loved him she really had. He had broken her beyond repair.

She had loved her friends. She had loved her live.

Now it was all gone. All that were left were memories. Memories she was trying to escape. She wishes she had stayed with Wallace. There she had found acceptance. And kindness. But she couldn't stay. Had to go on. Had to get away. Had to forget. Forget what was happening Forget what had happened. Stare at the road ahead. Not at the road behind.

Look at the future. Not at the past. As if it was that easy.

As if she could live on.

* * *

She dreams of the ocean.

She'll never understand why. But she dreams of it. Perhaps it's because it's so big. You could disappear in it. Like she disappeared in Neptune. She watches the silent waves hit the sand. In the distance the far distance, she can hear laughter. Four kids walk on the sand. She watches as they laugh and kiss. She watches as they live.

One by one they disappear. Leaving nothing but emptiness behind.

Emptiness. And a distant sound of laughter. A broken mirror lies in the sand. She's broken. Just like that mirror. Broken. And no matter how hard they try. No matter how hard she tries. No matter how good she puts the pieces back together. The cracks will always show. The scars will always be there.

'_This isn't how it was meant to be.' _She screams at the ocean. Lilly replies. '_But this is how it is.'_

Veronica wakes up crying. Not screaming.

* * *

She doesn't know what she'll do.

She doesn't know what to do. Doesn't know what to feel. She feels dirty. Betrayed. Guilty. A part of her hates herself. A part of her is repulsed. At the thought of being pregnant. The knowledge that she carries a part of her rapist inside of her. She hated herself. Her body for protecting it. For nurturing it. She wanted it gone. Away from her. She hated it.

She hated herself for even feeling that.

But another part, perhaps the biggest part, feels something else. Fear. She's afraid of what will happen to her now. Of what will happen to her baby. She's afraid for it. She feels for it. It's a part of her. A part of the girl she once was. She can't hate it. Not really. It's a part of him sure. But it's innocent. I hasn't done anything bad. It's just innocent.

She's conflicted. She's in pain. And she doesn't understand.

Why this happened.

* * *

She grabs her phone.

She'll call her father. She'll tell him what happened. Where she is. She even dials his number. But she can't do it. Can't burden him with this. Cant tell him she's not the innocent girl he once loved. Can't go back to Neptune. Can't face Duncan. Can't face Logan. Can't face whoever the father is. Can't face Lilly's memory.

She doesn't call him. She doesn't call anyone.

She won't return. She can't. Not now. Nobody will know she is pregnant. If she has the baby she can't return. She has to stay away for nine months at least. Can't go back. After that she'll see. If she keeps it, if she can keep it, she will never return home. If she doesn't she might return. Right now she doesn't know anything.

Only that she has to keep going on. Keep driving.

* * *

That night she calls her father.

She doesn't tell him anything. He ramble about useless stuff. About Back-up who misses you. He tells you about the bail jumper. He tells you about Cliff. He even throws in something Lamb said. He tells you something about a fire at the school. Suddenly he asks you if you're looking for your mother. She realizes she hasn't thought about her mother at all. It's like she's forgotten her.

Maybe it's because searching never occurred to her.

She tells him no. She doesn't want to think of her mother. She doesn't know where Leanne is. All she knows is she doesn't care. They keep talking about useless things. They never come out and talk about the important stuff. At the end of their conversation he tells her Logan and Duncan stopped by.

She can't fathom why. There's nothing there for them. Not anymore.

* * *

She calls Jake Kane next.

She doesn't know why. It's like it's become some kind of ritual. Call her father. Than Jake Kane. She always liked him. Unlike other parents he was always nice. Always took them places. He had always liked her. She remembers a time that Celeste liked her as well. Things change over time. She doesn't know why Jake wants to help her.

The truth is she doesn't care about him. Not anymore.

She tells him she got the money he send. She thanks him. Promises she will find a way to pay him back. He tells her it's not necessary. It's not like he'll miss it. It's not like it matters. When she hangs up she wonders. She wonders what he'll tell Celeste if she ever notices the money is missing. She wonders if he perhaps told Duncan.

Maybe that's why he showed up at her house. She'll never understand the Kane's.

Never again.

* * *

She dials the next number without thinking.

Duncan again. It's the fourth time she's called. She knows she'll call again. But she can't say a word. She can only lie there. Listening to him breathing. She wonders if he truly realizes who's at the other side. She wonders what he's thinking. Tonight for the first time he speaks. _'Veronica? Is that you?' _Her breath catches in her throat.

She never thought he'd really guess.

She hears a dozen emotions in that simple sentence. Worry. Pity. Guilt. Love. She can't understand what's going on. He hasn't cared in so long. Why start now? Maybe it's because she was gone. Maybe it's because he doesn't know. Maybe. She wants to answer. To reassure him. But he hurt her so much. And perhaps it's wrong of her. But she wants him to feel pain. A fraction of the pain she felt when he left her.

She hangs up without saying a word. She doesn't feel guilty.

Not this time

* * *

She calls Logan as well.

She thinks it's because her father mentioned them. It doesn't really matters. All that truly matters is that she calls him. He picks up as well. She can't speak. All she hears is his taunt. His so called little jokes. She wonders if he'll ever understand, ever know, what his jokes have caused her. What he has done. He gets angry at whoever is calling. She whispers his name.

She'll never understand why she talked to Logan and not to Duncan.

He quiets immediately. She expected. Jokes Taunting. Hate. Anger for calling him. Instead there's silence. It's as if he lost his voice. Eventually he asks her where she is. She never answers that questions. He asks her to come back. He suddenly comes out and says he's sorry. She doesn't know what he wants her to say. Eventually she whispers _'I'm alright.'_

She hangs up before he can speak again. She's torn.

* * *

She calls Wallace next.

They talk about some things. He tells her about their new tenant. Some creep. It's on the tip of her tongue to tell him to call her dad. Than she remembers he doesn't know her dad. It's like she has two lives. That don't mix. That don't belong together. Wallace asks her where she is. Him she does tell the truth. She wishes he was with her. He made her smile. He made her happy. And live.

She tells the truth because she's sick of the lies.

He doesn't ask anymore questions. It's what she likes the most about him. He just accepts her the way she is. Without questions. Without anything at all. He just wants to be her friend. He doesn't do it because he feels sorry for her; Nothing to feel sorry for. He'll never be Lilly. But she's not looking to replace Lilly. She's just looking for a new friend.

Lilly wouldn't have wanted her to mourn forever. She wouldn't have wanted her to stay alone.

Right?

* * *

She dials the next number.

She'll never have to talk. Nobody will ever pick up. Yet for some reason her cell phone can still be called. Somebody is paying the bills. She thinks that perhaps it's Duncan. Because he still wants to hear her voice. Maybe it's Logan. In the end it doesn't matter. All that matters is that she can still hear Lilly's voice. Even If it's just a recorded message.

'_This is Lilly. Can't come to the phone because I'm out living my fabulous live. You know what to do. Love you all.'_

She never leaves a message. She couldn't tell you how many times she has called it. Sometimes it makes her feel better. Sometimes it makes her cry. But she needs it. Like some kind of drug. She puts the phone down. Her voice still rings in her head. She falls asleep.

She dreams of lilies that night. She wakes up smiling.


	6. Chapter 6

**Okay. I can't seem to decide whether or not she should have the baby. So if you leave a review could you tell me what you think?**

* * *

Veronica is scared.

She's scared. Because she doesn't know. She doesn't know what's coming. She doesn't see. All her dreams have shattered. Her entire future is gone. It's almost as if she dies with Lilly. She wishes she had. She remembers the words written on her car. Abel Koontz it should have been her. And she wishes it had been.

Lilly was beautiful. And strong. She should have lived.

Veronica is scared. She's weak. She should have died. She would have gladly given her life for Lilly. Everything would have been better that way. Nobody would ever have done this to her. She would be pure. Good. not violated. She would never have felt this pain. And if she couldn't she wishes she could just die. Disappear. Go to wherever Lilly is.

And never come back.

* * *

Duncan feels conflicted.

He doesn't want to feel anything. He doesn't want to remember Lilly. His beautiful and bright sister. So full of life. He doesn't want to know she is dead. _Sometimes he swears he held her body in his arms. _He wonders if she's going crazy. He doesn't want to remember Veronica. He wants to forget her. He wants to forget it all. He can't.

He wants to forget. And at the same time he doesn't want to forget.

He had hurt her. He hadn't meant to. It was not his fault. His father had done this. That's why he had dumped her. He should have told her. He knows that. He would have. But then Lilly died and the whole world went to hell. He should have stepped in. Should have stopped Logan.

Should have done so many things. But he could barely stand.

So he didn't.

* * *

Logan feels guilty.

It's been coming for a while. Since Lilly's birthday. He could hear her in his head. Telling him he's gone crazy. Screaming because he hurt her. Her best friend. The best friend he will probably ever have. Well besides Duncan obviously. But he can't take back what he's done to her. And he can' t look her in the eye and ask for forgiveness. Because he knows she will.

And he doesn't deserve it.

He gathers all his strength together the last day of school. He will ask her for forgivness. But she takes one look at him and runs away. He thinks that maybe he should have followed her. He knows she ran away because of him. He wishes he could take back what he has done. Turn back the clock and never make her choose. Who was he to do that? Who was he to think she would ever let her dad go? How dare he be so selfish?

She called him. He'll never understand why.

* * *

It's all his fault.

Even if he doesn't admit it to himself. Even if he never meant this to happen. It doesn't change the facts. It's all his fault. He should have stayed away from Leanne. He should have realized that the second he said _'I do.'_ It was over. He would belong to Celeste forever. And no matter how much he had loved Leanne (and still loved) he had to let go. Let her go.

If he had they would never have suffered so much.

A part of him wants to blame Celeste. Blame her for actually telling Duncan. But he can't. He can't because out of the two of them she made the best choice. She didn't want to hurt Duncan. She didn't want to hurt Veronica. She had liked Veronica. She was the one everyone was angry with. She was the one they would hate. But she had made the right choice. She knew they couldn't let them stay together. Not if they were related. Of course they are not sure but still. He was the selfish person here. He was the one who didn't want to tell them. He wishes he could tell himself that it was because he didn't want to cause them pain.

No. he just wanted to stay with Leanne. It's all his fault.

Even if he doesn't admit it.

* * *

Veronica isn't paying attention.

She knows she should be. But she isn't. Her mind is working to much for that. She feels like she's going crazy. She wants to cry. But there are really no more tears left. Nothing left. Nothing at all. She's worried and scared. She can't stop thinking. She needs Lilly. She doesn't care about anything else anymore. Who cares that Logan turned out to be not such a great friend after all? Who cares that Duncan threw away a relationship of almost a year, and even more years of friendship? Who cares about the 09'rs?

All she wants is Lilly back. If lilly would be by her side, everything would be alright.

Veronica wasn't paying attention. Not to the road. She was to busy making her mind stop. She should have. If she would have she probably would have seen the damn animal sooner. As it was she didn't. She saw it. Just not really in time. In an desperate attempt not to hit the poor animal she swerved. Straight of the road and into a tree. Veronica jerks around violently, until the car finally stops. Her head hits against something hard.

She hears a voice in the background. Somebody asking if she's alright.

Then there's just darkness.

* * *

_The world is white. _

_She knows it is ridiculous. The world isn't white. It's filled with colors. But right now the world is white. Completely. It's silent. There's not even one sound. She wonders where she is. She wonders what this world is. If it is even real. Maybe she's dreaming. Maybe she's imagining it. It doesn't matter. She likes it. It's peaceful._

_It's calm. She feels free. Guiltless. _

_It doesn't last for long. Sounds start breaking trough the silence. First there's an annoying beeping sound. The world around her begins to change. Colors start sweeping trough it all. A white light (brighter than the complete whitness from before) begins to shine in her eyes. Then there's a voice. A voice she doesn't know. It sounds worried and reassuring at the same time. _

'_Miss? Are you alright?' She wants to answer but she can't find the words. _

_She wants to wake up. _

* * *

It's dark. She wonders if it's night.

That's the first thought that enters her mind. In the next she is calling herself stupid. Because how can she not realize that it's dark because her eyes are closed? Then she wonders why it's still dark. She almost laughs. Her eyes are still closed. She opens them up. She looks straight into the eyes of a man she's sure she's never seen before. Or maybe she has and she doesn't remember.

She looks around the room. Unfamiliar.

She's sure that the reason why she's here (wherever here is) will come to her. In a second. Just as soon as her brain catches up with her. Memories begin to flood trough her mind. Then it clicks. She hit a tree with her car. The man in front of her is a doctor. So she must be in a hospital. She shakes her head and immediately winces at the sudden movement. She must have hit her head pretty hard.

She wonders what happened to the car. What happened to the animal.

Than it hits her. The baby.

* * *

'_What happened to the baby?'_

The doctors tries to calm her down. Breathe he says. Everything is alright. She just hit her head. She doesn't even have a concussion. The baby's alright. Everything is alright. Veronica calms down at his words. It's fine. She's fine. He asks her a couple of questions. She asks about the car. He asks her where her parents are. She lies. Finally he tells her to give him the number of her parents. She freezes. Her mind tries to find a way out of this.

She gives him Jake Kane's number.

And Prays. Prays that he doesn't give her away. After all she's alright. There's no need to freak out her dad. The doctor would most likely tell him where she is. She hopes Jake will play along. She hopes he won't tell her father. After all she's fine. She hopes (she prays to every god she's ever heard of) that the doctor doesn't tell him that she's pregnant. She hopes Jake doesn't tell her dad anything.

If there's somebody that owes her something it's him.

* * *

Jake finds it ironic.

Extremely ironic. She might be his daughter. And now he finds himself. Talking to a doctor. Pretending he actually is her father. He doesn't really understand why she told the doctor to call him. Expect maybe that she doesn't want Keith to know where she is. At first his heart almost stops beating. It only calms down when he hears the doctor assure him that _'His daughter' _is alright.

He thanks god that both of his daughters won't be in the same place.

Or just his daughter and her best friend. Suddenly the doctor tells him another piece of information. He tells him where she is. Asks him if he knows where she's going. He lies. He doesn't want the doctor to call the police or something. He's not really told much else. He talks to Veronica for a second and then he hangs up. He stares at the phone for a second before wondering if perhaps he shouldn't call Keith. But she trusted him. And he can't break the trust she placed in him. She might disappear completely if he does.

So he doesn't call anyone. He owes her this much.

* * *

Veronica has to stay.

She has to spend the night at the hospital. The doctor says she's fine. That there's nothing to worry about. But she still has to stay. She has to stay. For observation. She supposes it doesn't really matter. Her car won't be fixed until the morning anyway. Might as well spend the night here. She wonders if Jake called her father. Since nobody has come bursting trough the door looking for his teenage daughter she supposes he didn't.

She realized something.

She doesn't know what to do. She doesn't feel comfortable. She feels dirty and guilty and betrayed. But she loves it. The baby. Her first concern had been if it was alright. Despite being a part of the man that did this to her. She loves it. She wants it to be alright. She wants it to live. She doesn't care where it came from. Only that it is hers. Hers to love. Hers to protect. A part of her. A part of the girl she once was. She closes her eyes in an attempt to find sleep.

She doesn't know what's to come. She just knows what is.

She's not alone.


	7. Chapter 7

**Last chapter for this year guys. Thanks for all the reviews. oh yeah two things. About the party where Veronica was raped. I changed it a little. I never quit understood how the thing with Duncan worked. So I only have Veronica being raped by Beaver. Let's just pretend Duncan never stumbled in that room shall we. And second euhm, I'm not actually sure if the trip she's makign is making any sense. No idea if she's actually driving the right way. Or if maybe it's going to fast. **

**Happy new year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

* * *

Veronica drives again.

She doesn't really know how long she's been gone. Only that with each passing minute she feels liberated. Sure she still feels the pain. Sure she still feels dirty. But it gets better. She wonders if the people she passes can tell she's pregnant. She guesses it's still to early for that. Sometimes she finds herself scared. Scared and betrayed.

Sometimes she wonders if it will be a boy or a girl.

She wants to tell her father. But she's not ready for that. She's grateful that Jake wasn't told. He'd never held that information from her father. She actually expected Jake to show up at the hospital. He never had. She'd wondered why. But then she remembered. She remembered that he wasn't her father. He had no reason to come and see if she's alright.

Veronica has no idea how longs she's actually been gone.

She doesn't care either.

* * *

Then she finds herself in New york.

She'd always wanted to come here. She'd always wanted to see this city. Lilly had wanted to as well. They had actually made plans. They were going to go in the Christmas holidays. The holidays that never came for Lilly. Veronica found the tears pricking in her eyes, as she thought of her best friend. That bright and beautiful girl who would never do anything again. Who's dreams would forever be locked away.

Forgotten over time. Just like hers.

Still there was something about New York. A part of her – _the part that's in pain. The one that wants to run away – _wants to go. Keep driving. The other part _- a part that speaks with a voice that is remarkable like Lilly's – _is telling her to stay. They had made plans. And just because Lilly isn't here doesn't mean that she can't. She will do it because Lilly would want her to live.

That's what Lilly would have wanted. Veronica is at least sure about that.

* * *

She spends the weekend there.

She finds her camera somewhere in the bottom of her bag. She hadn't really realized she'd packed it. She supposes it's logical. She took that thing everywhere. It made Logan crazy. She'd snap pictures at the craziest times. He found it pretty funny when Dick was doing something crazy again. But she also had pictures of him doing something ridiculous. She supposes she could have used those this year.

But she wasn't like Logan. She wouldn't hurt him just to feel better.

She takes the camera. And for the first time since Lilly died she takes a picture. She's sure the pictures ruined because she cried and her hands shook. But it doesn't matter. Because she's doing it. She's living. And she's finding the things she has lost. She had always loved photography. And just because Lilly isn't here doesn't mean she can't find happiness in it. She ends up asking several people at different points to take a picture of her.

She'll send them to her father. Then at least he'll know she's alright.

* * *

Logan wishes he could turn time back.

Turn it back to that party. Maybe if he'd never kissed Yolanda. Maybe if he and Lilly had never broken up. Maybe she would have lived. And if she had lived then everything wouldn't have gotten so screwed up. It's not his fault. He hadn't killed Lilly. And Kei…Mr mars – _he keeps calling him Keith. He's so used to it he can't stop – _didn't have to accuse the Kane's. He hadn't make Veronica choose. She had don't this all to herself. She had chosen to stand by her father.

Lilly's voice resounds in his head.

Telling him that it is his fault. That Veronica didn't have to choose. That he is the one that decided there should have been a choice. What did it matter what Keith believed? He was only doing his job. And Veronica loved her father, he knew this. But it didn't mean they believed the same things. But he prefers to believe it is all Veronica's own fault.

That way he won't have to feel so guilty about what's he's done.

If only it worked that way.

* * *

Jake did go to the hospital.

He'd taken a plane together with Clarence. He had even gone inside the hospital. But she had been about to leave. One look at her and he saw the difference. She didn't look so lost anymore. She wasn't so broken anymore. She looked more like the girl he remembered. Like Lilly's best friend. More alive. He hesitated at the door. A part of him, perhaps the biggest part, wanted to go inside.

But something was stopping him.

He knew that if he would go inside he would break the spell He would force her to face what she didn't want to face. He would make her face the pain. He would make her face what he did to her. And he had hurt her so much already. He couldn't take away how good she felt now. So he just stood there. As she walked outside and drove away. He did tell Clarence to follow her. Without her knowing of course.

At leas that way there's always somebody there to protect her.

He goes back home.

* * *

Veronica smiles.

For the first time she truly smiles. She's happy. She wishes that Wallace was with her. He'd been a good friend. A great friend even. She thinks that Lilly might have liked him. She would have liked him only because Veronica did. But she thinks that Lilly might have liked him on his own as well. She wishes Lilly could give her some kind of sign she's going the right way.

The happiness doesn't last long.

She picks up her pictures from the store. And then it hits her. As she goes trough the pictures. She's all alone. There's nobody there. There's no dad smiling. No Logan by her side. There's no Duncan that loves her. No Lilly that takes up all the picture. There's just her. The pictures are empty somehow. There are so many things missing. Tears shine in her eyes.

_This isn't how things were supposed to be. _

* * *

She breaks down.

She sinks down next to the bed. And cries. Simply cries. There's the dry sobs of broken girl. She's crying and barely breathing. She doesn't know what to do. She's scared and alone. And she just wishes she could turn the clock around. Go back. Back and never go on. She feels sick suddenly. She had almost forgotten about the baby. She should really eat.

She's like a broken doll. Sad and alone.

She cries and screams. She climbs in her bed eventually. She pulls the covers over her. And she just wishes for sleep to come. Sleep and please god no nightmares. She can't sleep. She can't do anything. The tears won't stop coming. She reaches out for her phone and dials a number. She hears the familiar voice fill her ear.

'_This is Lilly. Can't come to the phone because I'm out living my fabulous live. You know what to do. Love you al.'_

She begins to sob again. '_Lilly. Please. I need you. I need you. Please Lilly. Come back. For me. Please.'_ She keeps crying.

Eventually the line goes dead

* * *

**Again Happy New Year!!! And thanks for the reviews. **


	8. Chapter 8

**Happy New Year to everybody. I hope you like this chapter. **

**Don't own. **

* * *

Veronica dreams of Lilly.

Like so many nights before. It's different somehow. There's no blood. No ending. No loneliness. Just Lilly. Just her and Lilly. And Duncan and Logan. But they don't really matter. Lilly is there. It's all that matters. She's there. Laughing. Acting crazy. Dancing. Veronica isn't sure where they are. But that doesn't matter either. They are together.

She opens her eyes at the first sign of light.

She should be smiling. It's not a scary dream. It's not like her nightmares of Lilly's dead body. But in a way this dream – _of Lilly alive and by her side – _is more frightening than any other dream she's ever had. Maybe it's because it shows her what was, what could have been – _what should have been –_ and what will never be. The dial tone can still be heard over the phone.

She wonders if anybody ever listens to those messages.

* * *

Logan dreams of Lilly.

He hasn't dreamed of her since she died. Actually not since he saw her dead body. In that damn tape. That night he was so afraid of what was coming. Of the nightmares he was sure to have. He stole his mother sleeping pills that night. She didn't notice. And if she did, she didn't care. Not at all. Not anymore. He went out to get some more the next day.

He made sure to take them every night. No dreams would come.

But tonight he ran out. He figured one night wouldn't kill him. He should have known better. He dreams of sitting next to Lilly on the beach. She doesn't say anything. He thought he'd dream of her dead body. Instead he dreams of her. She finally looks at him. And there's disappointment in her eyes. She is disappointed in him. Angry. For everything he did to Veronica. For everything he destroyed.

He shoots up in his bed. Panting.

He wonders if Lilly is really there. Or if it's just his conscience telling him something.

* * *

Duncan dreams of Lilly.

Thanks to the pills his mother practically forced on him he hadn't been able to for so long. Not able to dream. Not able to feel. At first he welcomed it. He couldn't feel. The thought of his girlfriend – _the girl he loved – _being his sister was hard enough. Then Lilly died. He couldn't handle it. So when his mother presented him with those pills he loved them. He couldn't feel anything at all.

He didn't take his pill today. He couldn't tell you why.

Maybe it's because Veronica has been calling him. Maybe it's because he doesn't care. He dreams of Lilly. She's lying next to the pool. Not moving. Lifeless. She's pale and cold. And he runs to her and cradles her in his arms. And he asks her to wake up. Please wake up. He tries to wake her up. She never does. His eyes fly open. He tries to catch his breath.

It was just a dream he tells himself. He never held Lilly in his arms.

Never.

* * *

Keith wishes he knew what to do.

He wants to drop everything. Drop it all and go in search of his daughter. Every night (hell every day) he sits by his phone. Expecting it to ring at every moment. Telling him something happened to his daughter. To his little girl. To his Veronica. He remembers Leanne telling him she might not be his daughter. He shakes his head. What does it matter. Nothing.

His blood or not, she's his little girl.

He loves her more than he loves himself. He would give up everything to make her smile again. It's the only reason why he let her go. It's the only reason why he's not out there. He hasn't seen her. But he hears her on the phone. She sounds different. Happier. Safer. So he lets her go. He just wishes he was sure she was safe.

The picture that arrive the next day make breathing a little easier.

* * *

Veronica wishes for many things.

She's always wishes for things. Everybody does. She used to wish for silly things. Clothes and gifts. Since Lilly died she's always wished for her to come back. She used to wish for Duncan and Logan as well. But she doesn't anymore. Even if they would turn around. Even if they would beg for forgiveness. She's not sure she can give it to him. Not sure she can forgive.

Not sure if either one deserves it.

Right now she wishes for freedom. She wishes her baby will be alright. Sure it's a reminder of the pain. But in a way she can help but feel it's also a reminder of what she once had. A reminder of whose she was. Of what she's lost. Maybe in some way it's a part of Ronnie, and in extend somehow a small part of Lilly. She wonders if Lilly is looking out for her. From wherever she is.

She hopes it's a girl. She hopes it will have Lilly's spirit.

* * *

Anger. Guilt. Pain.

Different feelings are swimming trough him. Anger. Logan is angry at the world. At his father. At Abel Koontz. He's angry at Lilly for being a bitch that week. He's angry at himself for Kissing Yolanda. Maybe he would have been with Lilly that night. Maybe they would have still broken up. He supposes it will never matter. He's angry at Keith – _Mr. Mars. He supposes he will never get used to calling him that – _for doing what he did. He's angry at Jake. He's not really sure why.

He's been angry at Ronnie for so long.

Now he can't feel it anymore. All he feels now is guilt. Guilt for not realizing sooner that she didn't think what her father did. Guilt for taking all his anger out on her. Guilt for what he did. Guilt for destroying that girl. That girl that he had loved so much. That girl that had trusted him so much. He places his head in his hands. Pain. Pain because Lilly is dead. Pain because he's losing Duncan. And pain because he already lost Ronnie.

Pain because he's actually sure he somehow killed Ronnie.

He should be in jail as well.

* * *

Wallace is not sure why he came.

He liked Veronica. There was something about her. He found she was the best friend he'd ever had. Considering he only saw her for a couple of days that's saying something. He's never had much friends. Most kids tent to avoid you when you're father dies. Afraid of mentioning things that might hurt him. Afraid of saying the wrong thing. Maybe that's why he liked Veronica so much.

She didn't know. So she didn't care what she said.

That and what he saw in her eyes. Pain. Sorrow. Destruction. He's sure that if he would tell her she would understand. His mother told him what she said about her mother. And though he thinks that that is only part of her pain. When he asked her where she was and she told him he had already made up his mind. He was going to try and be a good friend. He just hopes she didn't lie when she told him where she was.

He knocks on the door and hopes that it's her.

* * *

The knocking on the door wakes her up.

She hadn't even realized she had fallen asleep again. Her eyes wonder over to the clock. She's been asleep for hours. She can't remember if she dreamed something. She's sure she did. But it can't have been that bad. She finds herself wondering who's at her door. She doesn't know if she should open. A voice insider her head tells her to. _– now she's hearing voices. Yeah, she's definitely gone crazy. Especially considering it's the voice of her dead best friend – _slowly she walks to the door and opens it.

Wallace looks at her with a wide smile on his face.

She wasn't expecting him. Still somehow she should have. She can't help but smile back. It's like the smile is contagious. Still they stand there staring at each other for a couple of minutes. She wasn't expecting him. '_You planning on letting me in?' 'Of course. Come right in.' _She doesn't know why he came. Doesn't know why he's here with her.

Somehow it makes her feel better.

* * *

Laughter is a clear sign of happiness.

Perhaps that's why she hasn't laughed – _truly laughed – _much at all in the last year. There was nothing to laugh for after all. But now since she met this boy she has found it again. Happiness. And for the first time in almost a year there's a clear sound of laughter. He came here to be with her. He says he needed to do something this summer. And traveling around the country seems like a good idea.

Going across the country. Two complete strangers.

But she trusts him. He made her live again. He's not like Lilly. They are different. But Veronica thinks _– somewhere deep down inside – _that Lilly would have liked Wallace. She hopes they would have liked each other. She doesn't know if she really wants somebody by her side though. She had set out on this trip to find herself again. She doesn't know if somebody should be with her.

Then she remembers the pictures. And her standing there all alone.

They spend the rest of their time making plans.

* * *

The road stretches out before them.

Veronica thinks that now they might get to Miami faster. She can't really remember why she wants to go there. But still. Now there are two of them. Never again will she feel alone. Even if something goes wrong they are with two. He switches the radio on and sings carefree with the song. She smiles. She can't help but join him in the signing.

His happiness is so contagious.

She thinks she might tell him the whole story. He will notice she is pregnant eventually. If he stays with her he will notice. He will. She will tell him. But not today. Not right now. She needs more time. The story is not something just told. It needs time. She needs more time. If she's honest with herself she s afraid. Afraid that once he finds out the whole story he will change. Threat her differently. And the easy friendship they have been building will shatter. She will tell him the truth. Just not right now.

Right now it's just the two of them and a long open road in front of them.


	9. Chapter 9

**Okay. I hope you all like this chapter. About the Clarence Weidman part (is his name spelled like that?) I had never intended on writing in his POV. Nor do I really plan on doing it again. It's just that that part sort of got stuck in my head, and it wouldn' tget out. Hope you like it. Please review. **

**Don't own Veronica Mars. Trust me it wouldn't have been so great if I did. **

* * *

She's happy.

The long road stretches out in front of her. It's just like every other day. Except in one way. She is not alone. She'll never feel alone again. Wallace is by her side. He smiles and he's there. And sure they don't know much about each other. But those are the things that can be found out. It seems kind of reckless – _and she knows the old Ronnie would have never done it – _to drive around the country with an almost complete stranger in the passenger seat. But it's not like it's the first reckless thing she has done lately.

Somewhere Lilly Kane is proud of her.

Wallace never asks much questions. Actually that's not true. He does ask questions. Just not the ones that would hurt you. it's almost like he knows what he can talk about and what he can't. Almost like he reads your mind. It used to be this way with Lilly as well. He never asks 'why Miami?' And Veronica is grateful for that. She has no answer after all. The only one she has is that Lilly Kane had wanted to go there. And now she never would. All she knows is that she has to get there.

Maybe it will help. Maybe it will make it worse.

* * *

The radio is turned on.

And Veronica can't help but recognize the song. Wallace starts singing immediately. Veronica takes some time to follow. She can't help but somehow see similarities with another road trip. A year ago – _sometimes she can't believe it has only been a year. Some days it seems like years have passed since that time. A happier time - _she took another road trip. She and Lilly drove to Tijuana. To try and understand why boy's loved it there so much.

It had been Lilly's idea (of course).

They wanted to be alone. Without the boy's. In retrospective that had perhaps not been such a good idea. It was not that they could not be without them. It's just that it hadn't been the smartest idea to go alone to Tijuana. But they had done it and they had survived. Now a year later she is driving towards Miami. With Wallace Fennell. And the song plays on the radio – _a year ago, exactly a year ago, she and Lilly had made that road trip. Sat in her car and sung the same song – _and tears jump in her eyes.

Yet somehow it makes her feel better.

She's not alone.

* * *

There are days that Clarence Weidman hates his job.

Today for example. He can't believe he's doing this. It's not like he's afraid to get dirty for his job. He used to be army-Intel. He used to be FBI. Now he works for Kane security. And he has no problem doing whatever it is that Jake Kane wants. Cover up the fact that his son murdered his daughter? No problem. Make sure somebody is punished for it? In a heart beat. Break bones, threaten lives. He would do it all.

He would do a lot of things for Jake Kane.

This however is pushing it. He is ex army Intel. He used to work for the FBI for crying out loud. He is not a baby sitter!!! Yet here he is. Following a teenage girl on her journey trough the country. He can understand – _on some level –_ Jake's need to protect her. But this is seriously pushing it. He is not made to do this. He swears Jake Kane doesn't pay him enough to follow her around.

Clarence Weidman is not a baby sitter.

But he sure feels like one.

* * *

The lies are piling up.

The lies he's told. In the course of his entire live. They are piling up. And he's not even sure how many lies he's told. Small lies. Big lies. White lies. Monumental lies. Life changing lies. Lying is a sin. He knows this. So he knows he is going to hell. If he's not already going to hell for what he did to Keith Mars. For what he did to Veronica. He can keep telling himself it was all for Lilly. He can say a thousand times it was all for his son. He can't seem to convince himself anymore. He blames Veronica's sad eyes.

But he knows. Deep down inside he knows.

Keith would have protected him. It had been an accident. A horrible accident. And Keith would have known this. He would have made sure he was alright. He would have found out the truth. Jake can't turn back the clock. And he has to live with it. All the pain he has caused. All the tragedy. He can't convince himself anymore that he made the right choice. So he lies even to himself. He's never had much trouble lying. He's done it many times before. Yet it never hurt so much, as the night he looked Leanne in the eye, and told him the he did not know where Veronica was. He does it because he can live with the lie. He can't live with the look of betrayal on Veronica's face. He can not cause her more pain.

He lies to save the people he loves. It's for a good cause.

Those thoughts help with the guilt. Sometimes.

* * *

Some things don't change.

Other things change all the time. Some things never stay the same. Others stay the same. People change everyday. The circumstances they live in change. Lilly never stayed the same. Sometimes he thinks he never truly knew his sister. That the only one who truly knew her was Veronica. And in some way he guesses that is true. Lilly told her best friend things she didn't tell anything else. She changed all the time.

Her grave never does.

It's always the same. Never any change. Sometimes he finds it comforting. The idea that there is something unchangeable in the world. Other times he hates it. Because Lilly was not made to stay the same forever. And yet she always will. Sixteen forever. Frozen in time. Lilly Kane had deserved so much more than this. But he couldn't change what happened. He's not sure why he's here. Except that he feels guilt. That he doesn't understand what he feels. And he's not even sure what he knows.

Sometimes he wonders if Keith Mars hadn't been right.

His father has told so many lies already. Why not this time as well.

* * *

It's not his fault.

He keeps going over what happened. Each time he ends up with the same statement. It was not his fault. It was not. It couldn't have been. If Lilly hadn't been such a bitch that week he would never have kissed Yolanda. If he hadn't kissed Yolanda Lilly wouldn't have broken up with him. If they hadn't broken up he would have been with Lilly that day. She would not have died. And if she hadn't died, Keith Mars would not have lost his job and Veronica would not have betrayed him. He keeps telling himself over and over. It was not his fault. It makes it easier to bear. Easier to except.

Until he realizes he's placed all the blame on Lilly.

And that is just wrong. Maybe it's time to face the truth. To except his own responsibilities. To see what he has done wrong. He placed the blame on everyone else, and never looked at himself. Veronica had only chosen because he had made her. And nothing, absolutely nothing, excuses what he did at Shelley Pomroy's party. Salt licks on your death girlfriend's best friend. On one of the best friends you've ever had. Sometimes he hates himself. For everything he has done.

Sometimes he hates Lilly as well.

* * *

Finally they arrive in Miami.

To Veronica it seems as if she has been traveling for years. But it has not been that long. She and Wallace have done nothing else but drive for the last couple of days. But now they are finally here. Veronica doesn't know what she is hoping to find here. She doesn't know what she will feel. What she will see. All she knew is she had to get here.

And now she's here. And she doesn't know what to do.

Wallace suggests to search for a hotel first. Veronica can't help but agree. It seems stupid to stay in their car. Besides this is Miami. It's beautiful and sunny. And she wants to see it all. Now that she's here she might as well see it all. Maybe she'll find the reason why it was so important to come here. Perhaps it will make her understand. Perhaps it will just confuse her more.

The only problem is they don't have that much money anymore.

* * *

It's all around her.

Everywhere she looks. Absolutely everything reminds her of Lilly. She's not really sure why. It were those girls. The teenage girls – _here on vacation – _running trough town. Partying. Living. Lilly had been like them once. She should still be like them. If the world were just. If the world were right. But it is not. It's harsh and cruel. And in this world Lilly Kane will never be carefree like those girls are.

Veronica wonders if they are aware of the dangers.

The once that lurk in the shadows. That can cut their life short. Make them stay forever at one age. Forever frozen in time. Just like Lilly Kane. She watches as two girls run past her, laughing at some silly joke. And for a second she recognizes herself in them. The two of them had been like that once. But now that was all gone. For a second she wants to go after them. Stop them and warn them for what could happen. Tell them to be careful. But she can't do it. They are so happy. So carefree.

Who is she to take that away from them? They deserved the happy carefree life.

For as long as it would last.

* * *

She cut of her hair.

Her long blond hair. Lilly had loved her hair. She had loved braiding it when they had sleepovers. Logan used to pull her hair when they were younger. Duncan had loved her hair. He had once told her it was the most beautiful thing about her. But what Duncan thought didn't matter anymore. He didn't care. He was the one who had left her behind. And Lilly would never be able to braid her hair again.

So she cut of her hair.

And with each lock that the lovely hairdresser cut of, she felt like a piece of her burden fell of her shoulders. Lilly's death. Her father getting fired. Logan turning his back on her. Duncan leaving her behind. Her mother leaving. The rape. She wasn't the innocent girl anymore. She didn't need the hair. Perhaps a shorter cut would make her feel better. With each cut she felt a little better.

And with each cut she felt herself get further and further away from who she once was.

And the distance between herself and Lilly got even bigger.

If that was at all possible.

* * *

There was only one room.

Only one room. People would talk about them. She was sure of it. But Veronica had long since stopped caring about what other people said. Once you've hit rock bottom, there's nothing anybody can do to you anymore. There was nothing they could possibly say to her that could hurt her. Logan had already said it all. Wallace had said he liked her shorter hair.

Lilly would have hated it.

She had loved her long hair more. But what she would have hated the most was that she did it alone. She didn't ask for opinions. They were different. Wallace and Lilly were like night and day. And in a way that was what was most comforting about Wallace. The difference between them. There could never be another like Lilly. And Veronica would never have thought about replacing her. Lilly would have liked Wallace. Or at least accepted him as a friend of her.

She would want her to be happy. Right?

* * *

She told him about Lilly.

She had to tell him something. She had to tell somebody. There was only so much a person could hold inside. She needed to talk to someone. Someone who wasn't involved. Someone who wouldn't judge her or her father. Since he didn't know the full story he couldn't judge. He only listened. She told him everything. Well almost everything. She didn't tell him about the rape. Or the pregnancy. She wasn't quite ready for that yet.

He told her about his father.

And she finally understood. He didn't feel sorry for her. He didn't pity her. In some way he understood. Sure losing a father or a best friend wasn't the same thing. But he understood in some way. And she understood him. She thinks she has finally found somebody she can rely on. A new best friend. And a part of her wonders if perhaps somehow Lilly didn't place him on her path.

Maybe she is watching over her. Somehow.


	10. Chapter 10

_**Sorry it took me a while to update, I sort of got stuck on how to continue this story. I've figured it out now, so there will be more frequent updates after this. Please review. **_Time is a very strange thing.

* * *

Sometimes it almost seemed like only a second passed, and the year was already over. Sometimes it seemed like some moment s went on forever – _like running towards the pool, like seeing Lilly lying there. Like waking up that morning and finding out her innocence had been stolen – _like she said time is a very strange thing, and she can't make it slow down. She is left to wonder what happened to all that time she had, it feels like one second she is going to that party, the next it's August and she's in Miami. August 18th to be more precise, the date she kept hoping wouldn't come, wouldn't show up, but it did and she can't change that.

It's her seventeenth birthday today.

It's an age Lilly Kane will never be, and that's what makes it so much worse to actually turn 17, because her best friend will be frozen forever at the same age. Nothing will ever change for her, she'll be sixteen forever, never changing never aging, frozen in time forever. It seems wrong that the girl who never managed to stay the same while she was alive, would forever be young in dead, wrong and twisted, but there are so many wrong and twisted things have happened since the 3rd of October, so it doesn't matter anymore. She'll be forever the same, and Veronica will change forever, forever and ever. She's seventeen, her best friend has been murdered, her mother abandoned her, she was raped, her best friends turned on her and now she's pregnant. She's turning seventeen and she hopes that it will become better this year somehow, but still she can't deny that things are changing, once and for all.

She's turning seventeen today, she's never felt so distant from Lilly then in that second.

She stared at the clock.

Almost willing it to stop from going on, just to stop before it became official, just stop working, but of course it doesn't. She knows, as she's lying in her bed, that even if the clock stops working, it doesn't mean time has stopped. It doesn't mean it hasn't become the eighteenth, it doesn't mean she's a year older, but still she wants it to stop so she can tell herself it has, for a couple of hours at least. But the clock doesn't stop working, and time doesn't stop running, and there's no denying it.

She can't stop the tears from escaping her eyes.

It's stupid she knows, after everything that has happened, a simple birthday seems so insignificant, so unimportant. But it isn't, it's important, because it separates her from Lilly, clearer than anything has done before. It's hard to explain, and that's why it sounds so crazy even to her, but feelings are irrational, she's discovered that a long time ago. After all how else do you explain she still loves Duncan, still thinks of Logan as one of her best friends, after all that has happened, after all that has been done. She can't change the way she feels about them, just like she can't change the way she feels about this, no matter how irrational it sounds to her and everyone else around her.

Some things can't be changed, like dead girls next to pools, and broken girls in white dresses.

Some things remain the same forever.

She knows she has to call her dad.

There's no way around it, no way to change that simple fact, he will want to talk to her on her birthday. He's her father and he loves her, and she loves him, but still there is this part of her that resents him, for accusing Jake, for beginning that war. After all if he hadn't he would have never been fired, Logan wouldn't have turned against her, she and Duncan would still be friends, she wouldn't have been alone at that party and she wouldn't be across the country now. She knows it's wrong to think that, and it's not her intention to think it, but like she said she can't stop the way she feels. But despite his mistake, _because she knows he was wrong, _she still loves him, and wants to go back home, but she's afraid and pregnant and can't.

Still she calls him, in the morning, after her shower.

'_Dad?' 'Veronica, honey, Happy Birthday.' 'Thanks, daddy.' 'I wish I could see you, hug you. Honey don't you think it's time to come home?' 'Dad I… I'm not ready to come home. Whatever I'm looking for, I haven't found it yet. But I did make a friend, sort of.' 'Really?' 'Yeah, his name is Wallace Fenell.' 'Honey, school is starting again soon, come home.' 'Look, dad, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. But I'll call you as soon as I do okay?' 'Alright, honey, fine. Call me again tonight okay?' 'Okay. I love you daddy.' 'I love you sweetie.' _Veronica hangs up with a mixed desire, one part of her is screaming for her to go back home and hug her dad, the other part is telling her to run even farther. Because how can she look him in the eye, he would know she was pregnant, and she didn't want to explain.

She doesn't want him to look at her or threat her differently, not that he actually ever will.

She can't stay inside of the hotel room.

She needs to get outside, walk the streets, breath the air, calm herself down. She leaves Wallace a note, indicating she's going for a walk and she'll be right back, she doesn't want him to worry. She's beginning to trust him, like him, he's the first kid her age in almost a year to speak a kind word to her, and that means something to her, even if it doesn't to him. It doesn't mean anything to him, because he knows nothing about her, and that's okay because she doesn't know much about him either. She thinks today might be a great day to find some things out, they can't stay on the surface forever.

In order for them to become friends, real friends, they need to know some things.

Veronica wants him to be a real friends, she need some real friends, people who trust her, who love her, who stand by her. People that actually care, not people that turn the other way, not people that break her, not people that scar her. Just one normal friend, who has nothing to do with Neptune, who has nothing to do with the Lilly Kane case, has nothing to do with anything at all. Veronica wants to know things about him – _besides the things she already knows – _and she wants him to know her.

She thinks maybe she should tell him about the rape and baby.

He's bound to notice anyway.

Duncan remembers a year ago.

A year ago his sister was still alive, Logan was still the same he was before and he still had Veronica, he still had a live. Now Lilly is dead, Logan has become another person and Veronica is gone, truly gone. He's not even entirely sure how they got to this point, how so many things could have co inspired against them, how so many things could have happened at the same time, to destroy them, to break them apart. But they did happen, and he can't change that, he can't even apologize to Veronica. He just wanted to go back, to that time last year when everything was still perfect, and never find out everything that came after that, pretend it never happened.

He wants to forget, but he can't, because it happened, just like that.

He spends the entire day sitting in his room, staring at his phone, willing it to ring. He wants Veronica to call him, if only so he can convince himself for a second that they're still in the same time as they were last year. He sits there for hours, and somewhere in the late afternoon he does begin to think he should have probably left the house at some point, because staying here lost in his thoughts only made things worse. But he didn't leave and he lost himself in memories and _'what If's'. _The phone rings, at eight that night, and it is Veronica, just like every other time. The conversation is different this time, it's almost a if she is trying to recapture that lost world as well.

A world that can never be retrieved, because Lilly died and she took that world with her.

And now the three of them – _because Logan is a part of this as well – _are just spiraling, lost out of control.

He hopes someday she will forgive him.

He stands on the beach, on the same place the four of them had once walked, and just stares at the ocean. Sometimes Logan just wishes he could throw himself into the ocean, and just keep swimming. Until he's left all his trouble and pain behind, until he's lost in that blue different world. Until there's nothing left of who he once was, until there are no memories left of what he has lost. But he knows he can't do that, because to get far enough to forget it, he'd actually have to be to far to be saved.

He'd have to drown to forget it all, because he'll never actually be able to swim far enough.

Never far enough to forget, to let it all go, he can't get away and it scares him. He never expects Ronnie to call, he wants her to, to try to get something of their old friendship back. Even though deep down inside he knows they never can, they're to far gone from who they once were. So he never expects her to call him, not after everything he has done, but she calls him every week. He can't quite understand why, but there isn't much left in his life that he understands, so he doesn't bother to try and find out. His phone rings, and he knows who it is at once.

'_Happy Birthday Ronnie.' _

It had been raining the day Veronica was born.

That's all he can remember about that day, there's nothing else he knows. He didn't find out Veronica was his, until many years later, when it was already to late to save any of them. He remembers every second of the day both Lilly and Duncan were born, but nothing about Veronica's. He wishes he did, if she is his daughter he would like to know, but he doesn't. The selfish part of him wants her to be his. The other part of him wants her to be Keith's, that's the part that wants Duncan to be happy.

It's conflicting and painful, and it's tearing him apart.

It makes him feel guilty, more so than before, but he thinks after all he has done he deserves all of that guilt. All of that pain. Still he wants her to be his, and he's truthful enough to accept that this has nothing to do with Leanne and everything with Lilly. He's lost his only daughter and if Veronica is his, he has something left. It's selfish and wrong, he accepts that as well, but it's how he feels and he can't stop it. He calls her to tell her happy birthday, he remembers last year Lilly had insisted on throwing her a party, and she almost sounds happy to hear him.

Almost, because in the end all he is to her is Lilly's father, never anything else.

Clarence follows her everywhere.

You would think as the daughter of the Sherriff – _former Sherriff he never seems to be able to remember that – _she would notice if somebody was following her. But she didn't notice, not once. Than again she was a teenage girl, and he was trained for situations like this, and this town is filled with people. Still she never seems to notice him not once, and nothing happens, nothing at all. He's bored out of his mind, but he's not about to go against his orders. He can understand Jake being protective of the girl who _might _be his daughter after his _actual _daughter was murdered.

He wasn't sorry about covering it up, Duncan was a good kid.

He was sorry for what happened to the Mars family, and he knows Jake is to. He's not sure where Mrs. Kane stands on all of that, something tells him he might not want to know. Keith Mars was a good man, he didn't deserve that to happen to him, and the girl was even a bigger victim. But he answered to Jake, and he understands him as well, so he did what he had to do. And now here he is, across the country, babysitting a teenage girl.

He doesn't want to do it, but he'll never go against him, so here he is.

When she tells him it's her birthday, he runs out.

He doesn't go far of course, he runs into the first bakery and buys a cake. Because really everybody deserves a cake on their birthday; he's not quite sure what her favorite is, but chocolate seems like a save bet. He just wants her to smile like yesterday and be happy, she just seems so broken right now. He sings to her – _he's sure she'll wish forever he never had – _and she laughs and seems like before again, but there is this look in her eyes. It's pain, it's that simple, and he thinks he recognizes it. It reminds him of how he feels when he thinks of his father.

He tells her about his family, he wants her to be his friend.

She looks at him with a knowing look; and he knows then that she somehow understands. And so she begins to tell him; of best friends and long blond hair mingled with blood. He hears about pain and being left behind, he hears of parties and girls in white dresses. He wants to kill whoever did that to her; even though he has no idea who he is and probably never will, and he isn't a violent person. He can't stand to see that pain on her face, and he just wants to hug her and take it all away, but he thinks that that would be bad somehow.

He hears her talk about pregnancy; and he swears to himself he will help her, anyway possible.

It's a couple of days later.

They're sitting somewhere on a beach; he likes it somehow but he misses home. They sit there in silence, trying not to think that the ending of the holidays are near. One of them must say something; one of them must bring it up, but as long as they don't it won't be there. Wallace finds it sad that a girl he ran into on the side of the road became the best friend he ever had, the best friend he'll ever have. In the end she's the one to bring it up, she's the one to say it out loud.

'_I guess it's time to get back.' 'Yeah.' 'Do you think your mom would still want to help me?' 'Of course.' _

The next day they get into the car and drive back. On the road again, she is heading back, going back to where she came from. But she feels free somehow, as opposed to when she left a couple of months ago. Time passed her by, but it has also learned her to accept some of the things that have happened. She's not going home; she's not ready for that, not ready for that at all. So she heads back with Wallace; thinking closeness to Neptune might be all she can handle right now.

She was completely alone when she left, now she has a friend.

She likes to think Lilly might have put him in her path, somehow.


End file.
